where do dreams go when they are asleep?

today i went to the theater.  a dinner theater, where everything was nice. 

and that same old feeling came.  not back, because it never leaves.  the feeling that i want to be up on that stage, any stage.  

and i'm not.

and i would love to cook.  all the time.  for people.  

and i love children.  i don't want to not be caring for them.

and i love to write.  i would love to sit and write beautiful and hard things.

and i can't imagine not being in ministry

so what do i do with all of these dreams?  i have yet to figure out how to do them all.  

some days the world seems limitless.  some days and today, it hurts.  

i wonder if i'm bad for wanting more than i've been given. 

on one hand, i want to do these things to bring joy and help to others.

yet my other hand wants to be known famous for any and all. 

i don't like discontent. 

some days i feel small. 

if anyone has heard of any openings for a singing actress chef writer missionary to children, let me know 

or maybe i'm already that

time of solitude

how quickly i break my own rules

unwilling.

unwanting.

afraid of solitude

and too busy

for God.

so my planner is out

my notebook of ideas too

closed but still in reach

why can't i push them away?

i can't sit still

can't focus

can't find a God who seems real

i can't find the time to try.

why can i write about God,

yet fear to pray?

why are we to timid and shy

to praise the God of our lives?

voices barely heard

sharing adoration

barely felt

do we really believe?

how can faith sound so right

and never feel real?

why are we dead inside?

why don't we praise?

why can't i shout Your name

instead of my timid "amen?"

why do i fear?

this pit

the gnawing pit inside

tells me this isn't right

we are holding back 

or maybe don't really believe

so we stay scared

stay busy

stay silent

stay away

from Him

who always

stays.

this is the hardest job i've ever done

it's funny how God shows up.  today i sat with a group of mk's (missionary kids) and held two of them as they sobbed.  they are grieving the only home they have ever known in s. america.  one asked why God would take them there only to have them come back 10 years later.  the other kids sat around, offering a reassuring hand on the back or tear filled eyes of their own.  the other 3 kids packed up and moved out from their home in tennessee forever, just two days ago.  these kids all get loss.  they feel it hard.  they are all grieving.  and it hurts. and it's hard. and not a single one of us denies it.  it sucks.  there is no better word.  

we can't claim that it was some great teaching tool that lead us to this point.  in fact we were bumbling along at this point.  yet something, said by sarah, my assistant, in her prayer caused one of these beautiful sisters to break.  and her broken heart exposed broke her older sister, who cried for the next half hour.  the younger sister then took a role of comforting her sister, just whispering in her ear, "it's hard, it's so i hard, i know."  every person at the table felt the emotion as we sat and affirmed the hardness and seeming unfairness of it all.  

my heart breaks for these kids.  for their loss.  their confusion.  for the fact that none of them chose this life, yet it's the one they have.  i can't fix it.  i can grieve with them.  and it hurts.  it's going to keep hurting.  God give me strength.  because He is the only one who can.  He is the one who truly understands how much this hurts.  

now i lay me down to sleep

oh who am i kidding...i'm way to awake to go to sleep.  time for another rousing round of level 2 sudoku.

praise Jesus for a blissfully boring saturday.

today

i am a mac owner

i am thankful that i didn't get caught in the rain

i am in need of a nap

i am a walker of 2.5 miles pushing 60+ lbs of stroller

i am wearing a white shirt (see #2)

i am choosen by the I AM

today

i wish to be accused of cutting school.


i know i look young. i might as well have some fun with it.

martha

the other night i was cleaning up from a party our house hosted, alone in the kitchen, while the last few people chatted away in the living room. my first fleeting thought was, "here i am again, being the martha." but just as quickly as that thought came to me, the realization struck me hard, martha was in the kitchen alone while her sister mary was with Jesus. but here i was in the kitchen, but far from alone. as i realized that i was with Jesus in the kitchen the joy filled me and spilled out into the suds filled sink with my dishes.