small things

sometimes what i do feels small.  very small.  i see little differences.  i hear little encouragements.  yet it all seems purposeless in the grand scheme of things.  i've helped a kid grow from reading 1-3 sentences to reading chapter books.  helped a child come out of their shell.  broken down walls in a little boy so that he welcomes things out of his comfort zone.  helped a little girl learn how to spell her first words.  

yet billions, yes billions, do not know Christ as their Savior.  millions will go to bed hungry tonight.  child prostitution around the world rages on.  people are abused and rejected without hope.  homes are destroyed by earthquakes, famines, floods.  

and i sit in fort myers because God has not told me to "go."  i teach because He has sent me these children to me.  6 kids now, from 2 different families.  

and i try to wrap my mind around the diversity in my mind.  the burden for the world mentally, yet so often my spirit is unwilling.   because deep down - this is what i want:

to be a wife and mother.  and do it as well as i possibly can.  no matter where i am.  

and i don't see how that meshes with solving all the world's problems and it's deep need for Christ either.  

maybe i'm made for the small things.  maybe i'll never end up in any history books.  maybe i'll never be famous (and i admit it, most of my life i've wanted that - drama queen that i am).  

maybe i'm made for the small things.  and the question is, will i do them well?  or will i sit and stew because they feel small?  will i worry that i'm not important, while forgetting that the truth is that i'm actually not important, but the God of all creation is?

maybe it's okay to feel small.

God is so good to me

it's been a crazy week.  how many of us can say that most weeks?

one week ago at this time i was sitting at my desk crying because i had the rude realization that i had absolutely no credit, meaning that there are so many things that i can't do without credit.  i felt so embarrassed that i got to almost 27 before i realized how important establishing credit was.

and then i went home and made cupcakes for my friend's birthday party that night - which ended up also ended up being a surprise early birthday party for me!  

a few days ago i was driving to my friends' house to babysit for their kids when wham - a truck slammed into the back corner of my car.  turns out the truck was trying to make a left turn across 3 lanes of traffic behind me while i was stopped at a red light.  a car coming in the far lane couldn't see the truck coming and they slammed into each other and as a by product, into me.

within a minute, 2 couples from NMSI, the Steiners & the Kuests, on their way home saw me and pulled over to stand with me, calm me, hug me, and help me figure out information to take down and talk to the police.  i walked towards one of the cars and noted how both cars were leaking fluids and were badly smashed.  i looked at Bob (who i call Papa Bob) and remarked, "I have so much to be thankful for."  No one was hurt, I didn't go into shock, and my car was barely scathed.  God's hand was on me!

last night after a great evening with my friends, i put my hand in my purse to check for my house keys and had the sudden memory of tossing my keys to my purse earlier that night at my house and missing my purse.  at the time i thought, "i better not forget to pick those up (and then promptly forgot).  all i could do was look at my friends sheepishly and tell them, at midnight, that i had locked myself out of my house!

my wonderful friend elisha offered to follow me home and see if she could help.  we found an unlocked window that we pried open and she could shimmy into and get to the door (no small feat, these are crank windows, not exactly spacious.  i told her i would never again begrudge her for being so much skinnier than i am - because God provides!  and it was a great laugh.  (i wish i could show you all the pictures, but i promised her i wouldn't).  :-)

and today i held beautiful newborn Madelyn at the hospital, daughter of my friends, the Fosters.  an adorable reminder that life keeps going on.

and my church increased my support without me even having to ask - what an answer to prayer!!

and the showtunes that my pandora station has been playing all afternoon are wonderful and i keep singing along for my poor office-mate.

God is so good to me.

mi casa

i'm all moved in, more or less.  things are still a mess and i'm waiting on an entertainment center to get delivered from friends before i start hanging things on the wall - but, i'm in.  and it is slowly but surely feeling (and smelling!) like home.

oh smell.  that was my one big hiccup moving in.  when i toured the house it smelled, well, like nothing, because i didn't notice a thing.  but somewhere along the lines before the other girl moved out and i moved in, she had guests over who smoked in the driveway with the house door open.  and in a house this small, the smell went everywhere.  smoke is one of my highest allergens and she tried to negate it with 8 glade plug-ins.  again, tiny house, way too much scent.

so i have thrown all the glades out, and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned.  and it's starting to smell like home for me.  slightly lavender and slightly of baked goods.  all is well.

living room (back door to small covered deck & washer/dryer)

close up on thrift store lamp & garage sale sewing cabinet - lamp is new, sewing cabinet has been around a while, aren't they great!

standing on the other side of the living room facing the front door.  kitchen is to the left.  isn't the "library chair" a hoot!?  as with the other furniture, they are all loans from friends.  it may not be my first pick in chairs, but it sure is comfy.

looking into the kitchen standing by the "library chair."  the eat-in counter wraps around.  it's a teeny kitchen, but has a surprising amount of counter space.

looking directly into the kitchen.  notice the little pass-through window that looks into what could be a dining room, but i'm using as a guest room/sitting room.  

close-up of the pass through window and my canisters.

bathroom shower curtain.  i love the bathroom, both it and the kitchen have gorgeous stone work done in them by the owner's father.  

pass through window from the sitting room.  this room is almost all windows and gets tons of light.  it might be my favorite.  it has a double bed that i'm going to use for guests or as a nice big couch.  someday soon i'll have a comforter to go with the pretty green metal tree that will be hung on the wall soon.

my bedroom.  gorgeous bedroom suite left by the previous tenant.  it's queen sized and right now has a double bed in it.  i'm hoping to someday have a queen mattress for it, but right now i am feeling so blessed by such a beautiful (free!) bed that i can wait for God to provide a mattress set that actually fits it.  there is a mirrored dresser that matches as well.  

well, there's the house!  it's hard to tell, but there is a chair rail that goes all around the bedroom and living room.  the living room is two colors (darker on bottom) and the bedroom is all one, which i would love to change, but i'll have to talk to my landlords (the wife is the CFO of NMSI) about that.  it's a cozy little cottage.  

come visit me!

la vie est belle

it's funny, most people try to do something special for their "100th post" on their blogs.  i happened to notice that my last post was my hundredth.  i suppose it is fitting that i remembered an amazing friend in my 100th post, though it definitely wasn't any of the fun ideas i had toyed with a year ago when i thought of doing that post.  but life often necessitates different options.  my former housemate ashleigh, just wrote her 100th post, from her life in Kenya.  it's a fun read from the mission field.

the past month i have felt like a failure in communication.  i have sat down many times to update my blog and then had no words, or rather, too many words to express all i was feeling.

i have started to pick up the phone, then set it down, because there was no way to speak.

started messages or emails, and then erased them, because i couldn't settle on what to say.

i thought of pictures i could share from my housemate, Kristy's wedding.  i was both bridesmaid and the cake maker, but alas, we did not pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets, so i took nary a picture.  i will post some soon when i can get some good pics from friends.  it was a truly beautiful day and a bright spot in a hard month of life.

i thought about sharing about the night last week when a cheese grater made me cry in Publix.  that's right, a cheese grater.  the kind like they have at olive garden.  you see, kylee boden had that grater and every time i used it at her house we would talk about how great it was and how i needed to buy one.  so by the time i had reached the household cleaners isle, i was sobbing.  and i reached for a sale priced cleaner to smell it (it didn't smell good) and as i screwed the lid back on, the spray nozzle shattered in my hand.  in shock from my display of apparent brute strength, i burst out laughing.  as Truvy on Steel Magnolias states, "laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

so i continue on.  all who are left here in this life continue on.  waiting for our true home in Heaven (the link is what Kylee Boden herself wrote about being hungry for heaven).  this week in Bible with my homeschoolers, we are devoting the whole week to Heaven and the beautiful parables about the kingdom of Heaven, such a deep reassurance of Christ at work in us already.





Exciting notes:  i'm starting a unit on shakespeare with my homeschoolers.  they are preschool - 4th grade age and they are pumped.  we're turning an entire wall into the story of romeo & juliet.

at the same time i'm planning on teaching them fundamentals of drama and speech, helping them become better speakers and  listeners.  i'm already having so much fun with this.  their mom and i talked about how we learned to hate shakespeare in high school because it was so confusing, but the stories were actually beautiful.  we're excited to see how the kid's respond to shakespeare at their level.  so far, so good.


also, i'm moving out!  after a lot of prayer, i've realized that God doesn't seem to be done with me here yet.  i'm still determining what it is that He has for me, but i do have a definite peace about not having peace about going overseas yet.  since i have been getting deeply more invested at my church here and a wanting to be a little more settled if i'm going to be here for at least the next year, i decided to ask one of the women in the mission if her rental properties might be available in the future.  as i'm sure God knew, her tenant across the street from her house was moving out may 5th and she would love to rent to me.  i prayed about it and visited the house and said yes.  in a few weeks i'm moving to my own little cottage!  it is an adorable one (and a half) bedroom house right across the street from two families in the mission.  i'm pumped about the opportunities to host and care for people from my home.  i'll only be a 12 minute drive from the mission and within walking/biking distance from most of the families in the mission.
already i have been blown away by people offering furnishings and i know God will continue to provide for me.  i can't wait to share pictures soon.

lastly, i leave a few pictures of the boden family with beautiful baby caleb, taken a few weeks ago.  

la vie est belle.  life is beautiful.

2.5 year old Sarai, baby Caleb, 5 year old Seth

Daddy Matt with 5 year old Lydia & baby Caleb

loss

yesterday i lost one of my closest and dearest friends.  she was perhaps the best wife and mom i have ever met, loved people deeply, cried freely with and for others.  i'm having a hard time at this moment even believing this reality, even though i have spent most of the past 15 hours in tears.  Kylee died yesterday from eclampsia, leaving behind her husband Matt (of who she was his biggest fan and adored him in beautiful depths), children Seth, Lydia, and Sarai (who she loved to gather in her arms and tell them, "ohhh, i just love you so much!") and tiny infant Caleb, who she never got the chance to meet.

i am overwhelmed with sorrow.  i know where she is.  she is dancing and singing for the King of Kings, just like she was created to do and loved doing here on earth.  she had such a deep hope in heaven, a delight in Jesus.  she is going to be so deeply missed.  our loss is immense.  but it is not the end.  she's getting the party started, i'll see her in heaven again.  i can't wait for that hug.  

please pray friends.  while our hope is in heaven, this hurts so deeply.  

i want to put this on here because this brings me joy.  Kylee dancing and air guitaring to "God will lift up your head."  She had given me that song to listen to when I was struggling and in a hard place.  I can't think of anything more fitting.

yummy pie & an adorable friend

last night i made an cheddar crust apple pie because...well, i needed to bake.  i made a pie like this when i was about 9 years old for 4-H, losing highest honors to somebody's cherry pie (that had boiled over!!).  no i'm not bitter about that thank you, but i have always been sad that i promptly lost the recipe and never was able to make that yummy goodness again.

so i tried again and if my housemates give it a thumbs up at family dinner tonight i'll post pics and the recipe.  i'm excited about the dinner that will precede the pie too, lemon chicken with sweet pea tortellini that i got out of my most recent rachael ray magazine.  mmmmm...

now, while this may lower my chances at getting something fun, i do want to share about my friend rachel's giveaway.

because who can resist sharing a friend this adorable with the world?

i dream that someday when we are 50 or 60 we will open a bakery together.  we will change the world one cupcake with a sprinkle of Jesus' love at a time.  can you see it?  rachel, have i told you this before?  are you in?

so head over here to visit her giveaway.  all you have to do is tell her a dream or something you're thankful for...and who couldn't use a reminder of God's goodness in the middle of the work week?

pray for Gigi

my niece, Gianna, had pneumonia recently. her lung hasn't drained properly during her recovery, so tomorrow (tuesday) morning at 11 am she is having a surgery to insert tubes to drain her lung. she'll probably be in the hospital for about a week for recovery.  please pray for a complete and speedy recovery for her.  also for endurance and peace for my brother & sis-in-law, Ashley Wade & Jen.  I'm sure they are worn out considering how long this illness has been, Gigi's earlier hospital stay from the pneumonia and caring for Gigi's baby brother, Dominic.

aunt abby wants her baby girl back to playing and having fun!