where do dreams go when they are asleep?

today i went to the theater.  a dinner theater, where everything was nice. 

and that same old feeling came.  not back, because it never leaves.  the feeling that i want to be up on that stage, any stage.  

and i'm not.

and i would love to cook.  all the time.  for people.  

and i love children.  i don't want to not be caring for them.

and i love to write.  i would love to sit and write beautiful and hard things.

and i can't imagine not being in ministry

so what do i do with all of these dreams?  i have yet to figure out how to do them all.  

some days the world seems limitless.  some days and today, it hurts.  

i wonder if i'm bad for wanting more than i've been given. 

on one hand, i want to do these things to bring joy and help to others.

yet my other hand wants to be known famous for any and all. 

i don't like discontent. 

some days i feel small. 

if anyone has heard of any openings for a singing actress chef writer missionary to children, let me know 

or maybe i'm already that

time of solitude

how quickly i break my own rules

unwilling.

unwanting.

afraid of solitude

and too busy

for God.

so my planner is out

my notebook of ideas too

closed but still in reach

why can't i push them away?

i can't sit still

can't focus

can't find a God who seems real

i can't find the time to try.

why can i write about God,

yet fear to pray?

why are we to timid and shy

to praise the God of our lives?

voices barely heard

sharing adoration

barely felt

do we really believe?

how can faith sound so right

and never feel real?

why are we dead inside?

why don't we praise?

why can't i shout Your name

instead of my timid "amen?"

why do i fear?

this pit

the gnawing pit inside

tells me this isn't right

we are holding back 

or maybe don't really believe

so we stay scared

stay busy

stay silent

stay away

from Him

who always

stays.