Tuesday, June 16, 2009

sorry to leave everyone hanging

so i went to the life group. (see post below) and i cried most of the way home.

while i was there it was fine. they were nice people and it wasn't hard to be social. and it felt like youth group. in fact there were 2 kids from the youth group there - kid's of the leaders. there were two guys who seemed closer to my age and might have some commonalities, but the guys left to go fishing ten minutes after i got there. which left me with young women and shallow conversation. it felt so empty.

the one person i really felt drawn to was the leader - who has kid's my age. not at all surprising.

all the way home i cried to God about how lonely i felt. how i know i am called to trust Him but sometimes it's so hard. if i were in the secular world being 26 and single is normal. but in Christian circles, at least all the ones i know, it's not. so it can be lonely.

so i am attempting to take another painful, scared, yet beautiful step towards trusting God more.

Friday, June 12, 2009


i just broke down into tears at the thought of going to a new small group tonight from my church.  i was trying to explain to friends in the office about how i did not want to go.  it's the "young adults" aka "singles" group that has been meeting together, most of them for years.  

and i'm terrified.  

i'll be the oldest one there.  and while my face says, "hi, i'm 15," as one friend recently put it - i was born older.  i feel at home with my friends who are married and have families - not only because they are my age, but in many ways i relate to them.  but the truth of the matter is, like it or not, i'm in a different place than them, and only hanging out with my married mommy friends has allowed a root of bitterness to be sown inside my heart.  and i have to uproot it.  not by getting rid of my mommy friends, but by stepping out of my comfort zone and going to a life group of single people - even though i'm petrified of the unknown of it all.  will we have anything in common?  will i be able to mesh into this already tight-knit group?  

my friends at the office have talked me into going - so at 7 pm tonight I should be pulling in the driveway of this small group.  pray that i feel God's strength enough to walk in.