lilacs and sari dreams

today i've road tripped all through my memory.

i remembered how much i love the smell of lilacs.  how much

 i miss having a lilac bush right outside my bedroom window, like i did as a little girl.  i miss playing under the big lilac bush.  i miss cutting sprigs of lilac and putting them in my locker to enjoy all day long in high school.

i forgot that they were my favorite.  oh, yellow roses with red tips will always be my favorite gift flower...but lilacs, they are my favorite flower over all other flowers.  

lilacs make me feel little girl happy.

i remembered how much i love karen carpenter's voice.  that her voice is the most hauntingly beautiful voice i've ever heard.  and that tammy scott's voice is the nearest thing in the world.  and i remembered that i had decided that if i ever got married someday, tammy must sing.  and that every time i go to my home church, i pray that tammy will sing.  

and i remembered the stories of my friends, the binkleys.  when they returned from india when i was young.  how much i wanted to go with them.  and how much, in envy, i wanted beautiful sari's like theirs when they returned.  i lost my envy in time, but today, oh today, my friend raynor brought me back my very own sari.  it's beautiful.  it's silk.  it's dark teal.  did i mention beautiful?

childhood dreams come true.  

babies

it is a well known fact among my friends and family that i love babies.  all children really.  God has called me to care for them in so many different ways.  and i really can't think of a time in my life that children haven't been an integral part.  

so that is where the beauty and pain come hand in hand.  since i am 25 - the typical married, start having babies age - countless numbers of my friends have had are having these wonderful blessings from God.  i love the pictures.  i love meeting them.  i love rejoicing with them.  each bump picture and ultrasound picture from childhood friends, college friends, nmsi friends, is an exciting development.  each child is beautiful.  and as they grow, i get excited at each little development.

and there is that small twinge in my heart.  the part that waits.  that prays.  and wonders.  if i will ever be able to love.  (i worry less about someone being able to love me...nmsi community has shattered the lie that i'm unlovable)  if someday i will have a telltale bump.  if someday i will get to watch my own little ones totter their first steps.  

and my heart aches for friends who hold the heartache of not being able to bear children themselves.  missionary friends who don't have the resources to exhaust the extents of medicine or adoption.  who wait and pray.

most days i don't even feel the twinge.  i just thank God for giving me all of these wonderful children in my life.  that i'm surrounded by all of these kids that i love and who love me back.  but, about as often as the seasons change - i feel a twinge - and i wait - and i pray.

and put my trust in God and His sovereignty.