babies

it is a well known fact among my friends and family that i love babies.  all children really.  God has called me to care for them in so many different ways.  and i really can't think of a time in my life that children haven't been an integral part.  

so that is where the beauty and pain come hand in hand.  since i am 25 - the typical married, start having babies age - countless numbers of my friends have had are having these wonderful blessings from God.  i love the pictures.  i love meeting them.  i love rejoicing with them.  each bump picture and ultrasound picture from childhood friends, college friends, nmsi friends, is an exciting development.  each child is beautiful.  and as they grow, i get excited at each little development.

and there is that small twinge in my heart.  the part that waits.  that prays.  and wonders.  if i will ever be able to love.  (i worry less about someone being able to love me...nmsi community has shattered the lie that i'm unlovable)  if someday i will have a telltale bump.  if someday i will get to watch my own little ones totter their first steps.  

and my heart aches for friends who hold the heartache of not being able to bear children themselves.  missionary friends who don't have the resources to exhaust the extents of medicine or adoption.  who wait and pray.

most days i don't even feel the twinge.  i just thank God for giving me all of these wonderful children in my life.  that i'm surrounded by all of these kids that i love and who love me back.  but, about as often as the seasons change - i feel a twinge - and i wait - and i pray.

and put my trust in God and His sovereignty.