baby face, you've got the cutest little baby face...

last night i was asked to help watch kids at a nearby church while they had an all church meeting.  they were needing an "Adult Presence" to help the youth group kids who had volunteered.  i was the adult presence for the 5 year olds through...well, the youth group kids.  it was a mad house.  midway through the 3 and half hour meeting (i'm not joking) a mom came up with her 5 year son.  she was clearly nervous as she scoped the scene.  she finally looked at one of the youth group girls and said, "i was going to leave him up here, but since there are no adults in charge, i'm really not ready to let him run loose with all the kids."  i was, in fact, standing right next to the woman when she said that.  

me:  actually, um, i'm the adult in charge.

(confused look from concerned mom)

me:  i'm deceptively young looking.  i'm actually 25.

4 youth group girls in unison:  really???!!  we thought you were new in the youth group!

concerned mom (skeptically): oh, well, uh, i guess he can stay - do you want to stay little billy?

yup, babyface alter strikes again. 

 

and just to prove my point - a picture of me from friday, holding my olympic hoopla treat (rice crispy olympic rings!)  - i look like any other proud 14 year old... except for the fact that i am, in fact, 25.   seriously.  i'm not joking.  i can show you my license.  promise.

it's not easy being green

actually, it's wonderful!

just a few pics from the nmsi talent show a few weeks ago for my mom to see.  i did a duet with one of my kids from the show 'wicked.'  i also did an alternate ending of the melting scene, it was wonderful fun!

lilacs and sari dreams

today i've road tripped all through my memory.

i remembered how much i love the smell of lilacs.  how much

 i miss having a lilac bush right outside my bedroom window, like i did as a little girl.  i miss playing under the big lilac bush.  i miss cutting sprigs of lilac and putting them in my locker to enjoy all day long in high school.

i forgot that they were my favorite.  oh, yellow roses with red tips will always be my favorite gift flower...but lilacs, they are my favorite flower over all other flowers.  

lilacs make me feel little girl happy.

i remembered how much i love karen carpenter's voice.  that her voice is the most hauntingly beautiful voice i've ever heard.  and that tammy scott's voice is the nearest thing in the world.  and i remembered that i had decided that if i ever got married someday, tammy must sing.  and that every time i go to my home church, i pray that tammy will sing.  

and i remembered the stories of my friends, the binkleys.  when they returned from india when i was young.  how much i wanted to go with them.  and how much, in envy, i wanted beautiful sari's like theirs when they returned.  i lost my envy in time, but today, oh today, my friend raynor brought me back my very own sari.  it's beautiful.  it's silk.  it's dark teal.  did i mention beautiful?

childhood dreams come true.  

babies

it is a well known fact among my friends and family that i love babies.  all children really.  God has called me to care for them in so many different ways.  and i really can't think of a time in my life that children haven't been an integral part.  

so that is where the beauty and pain come hand in hand.  since i am 25 - the typical married, start having babies age - countless numbers of my friends have had are having these wonderful blessings from God.  i love the pictures.  i love meeting them.  i love rejoicing with them.  each bump picture and ultrasound picture from childhood friends, college friends, nmsi friends, is an exciting development.  each child is beautiful.  and as they grow, i get excited at each little development.

and there is that small twinge in my heart.  the part that waits.  that prays.  and wonders.  if i will ever be able to love.  (i worry less about someone being able to love me...nmsi community has shattered the lie that i'm unlovable)  if someday i will have a telltale bump.  if someday i will get to watch my own little ones totter their first steps.  

and my heart aches for friends who hold the heartache of not being able to bear children themselves.  missionary friends who don't have the resources to exhaust the extents of medicine or adoption.  who wait and pray.

most days i don't even feel the twinge.  i just thank God for giving me all of these wonderful children in my life.  that i'm surrounded by all of these kids that i love and who love me back.  but, about as often as the seasons change - i feel a twinge - and i wait - and i pray.

and put my trust in God and His sovereignty.

where do dreams go when they are asleep?

today i went to the theater.  a dinner theater, where everything was nice. 

and that same old feeling came.  not back, because it never leaves.  the feeling that i want to be up on that stage, any stage.  

and i'm not.

and i would love to cook.  all the time.  for people.  

and i love children.  i don't want to not be caring for them.

and i love to write.  i would love to sit and write beautiful and hard things.

and i can't imagine not being in ministry

so what do i do with all of these dreams?  i have yet to figure out how to do them all.  

some days the world seems limitless.  some days and today, it hurts.  

i wonder if i'm bad for wanting more than i've been given. 

on one hand, i want to do these things to bring joy and help to others.

yet my other hand wants to be known famous for any and all. 

i don't like discontent. 

some days i feel small. 

if anyone has heard of any openings for a singing actress chef writer missionary to children, let me know 

or maybe i'm already that

time of solitude

how quickly i break my own rules

unwilling.

unwanting.

afraid of solitude

and too busy

for God.

so my planner is out

my notebook of ideas too

closed but still in reach

why can't i push them away?

i can't sit still

can't focus

can't find a God who seems real

i can't find the time to try.

why can i write about God,

yet fear to pray?

why are we to timid and shy

to praise the God of our lives?

voices barely heard

sharing adoration

barely felt

do we really believe?

how can faith sound so right

and never feel real?

why are we dead inside?

why don't we praise?

why can't i shout Your name

instead of my timid "amen?"

why do i fear?

this pit

the gnawing pit inside

tells me this isn't right

we are holding back 

or maybe don't really believe

so we stay scared

stay busy

stay silent

stay away

from Him

who always

stays.

this is the hardest job i've ever done

it's funny how God shows up.  today i sat with a group of mk's (missionary kids) and held two of them as they sobbed.  they are grieving the only home they have ever known in s. america.  one asked why God would take them there only to have them come back 10 years later.  the other kids sat around, offering a reassuring hand on the back or tear filled eyes of their own.  the other 3 kids packed up and moved out from their home in tennessee forever, just two days ago.  these kids all get loss.  they feel it hard.  they are all grieving.  and it hurts. and it's hard. and not a single one of us denies it.  it sucks.  there is no better word.  

we can't claim that it was some great teaching tool that lead us to this point.  in fact we were bumbling along at this point.  yet something, said by sarah, my assistant, in her prayer caused one of these beautiful sisters to break.  and her broken heart exposed broke her older sister, who cried for the next half hour.  the younger sister then took a role of comforting her sister, just whispering in her ear, "it's hard, it's so i hard, i know."  every person at the table felt the emotion as we sat and affirmed the hardness and seeming unfairness of it all.  

my heart breaks for these kids.  for their loss.  their confusion.  for the fact that none of them chose this life, yet it's the one they have.  i can't fix it.  i can grieve with them.  and it hurts.  it's going to keep hurting.  God give me strength.  because He is the only one who can.  He is the one who truly understands how much this hurts.